It's Like A Bloody Soap Opera
by JAJL820
Summary: CHAPTER TWO-AU.  Remus/Sirius.  Remus needs a sex buddy, Sirius takes on the job.  Everything gets crazy. PLEASE REVIEW! PLEASE!
1. My New CFF

Hello! So great to be back with a new series! So This is an AU, it's non magical, don't hate me. I've never quite enjoyed AU's but it's actually quite fun making them the same people, but with some type of weird twist. Now some stuff, like the references to Remus being a wolf, will be explained later. Please tell me if you enjoy this, and chapter 2 will be up soon after. Thank you all! :D

My New C.F.F.

"I hate these people, you know?"

"What people?" Sirius sat next to his best friend.

"Whiny bitches." He laughed.

"You are not a whiny bitch, you're a human, I know you don't believe that…"

"Shut up arse hole." Remus laughed.

"How did it happen?"

"He just told her he was fucking me and…bam that's it. Said she wanted him to commit to her." Sirius laughed. "What's this? You laughing Pads? S'not funny."

"They're getting married Moony! Wouldn't you?"

"I'd never ask anyone to commit to me."

"Well, don't you wish you did now?"

"Hell no! Why, so I could get bored in two days and then have to break it off with him?" Sirius gave a blank stare.

"Oh come off it, Pads, I seem to remember ya having your fair share of C.F.F.'s."

"C.F.F.'s?"

"Care free fucks. Christ Pad! Where have you been for the past two years?" Where had he been? He couldn't even remember the last time he had a good shag, and that was unacceptable for _Sirius Black_. It was all Harry's fault. Damn that adorable chubby face. Ever since the first day Sirius saw his little body, he had made a silent agreement with himself to be a better man. Now Remus, his little bookly mate was some type of sex god, and now he was the one laying low waiting for love.

He had to stop he had to get laid. Remus. Remus, was a very attractive bloke, he had soft lips, a thin waist, a very sexy scared chest, and beautiful gold eyes-Remus.

"Remus."

"Yes"

"Remus." He rolled the r this time.

"What?"

"So are you like…looking?"

"For what?"

"A new C.F.F.?"

"Umm, well yeah, I guess. I need something Pads, I'm a twenty five year old man-wolf.

"Me too." There was a silence lasting at least a minute till Remus' eyebrow rose along with the corners of his mouth.

"Mr. Black?"

"Mr. Lupin?"

"Mr. Black, are you suggesting…?"

"Yes, I am." Sirius mumbled obviously nervous. A longer silence followed, Remus' lips stayed straight, with pensive eyes, and brow still arched in disbelief.

"This is a joke, you burk." Sirius stayed silent. "You're straight."

"I've gotten it on with a few blokes in my day." He wanted to slap himself for sounding so childish, as if he were begging.

"You're not joking, are you?" Sirius shook his head. "Why? I mean why would the great _Sirius Black _want to have me as a bugger buddy." Sirius laughed.

"I love all these hip terms you're throwing at me. This is the thing, although I'm ashamed to admit this, I haven't had a good fuck in quite as long time, I'm actually too involved with Harry. Not to mention. You're not the ugliest specimen I ever did see." He gave a light hearted chuckle.

"This is weird. Let me think."

"Sure. You have all day. I have to get to the shop though." He stood and grabbed his leather jacket from the back to the sofa.

"Yeah, I'll stop in later, after work. Save me some lemon squares."

"Always for you Mr. Lupin Remus was already in the shower by the end of his sentence.

* * *

><p>"You would not believe the things I heard from Remus today." Sirius said in a goofy low voice, an inch from Sirius' face.<p>

"What were you talking about?" James bumped Sirius' hip with his own in order to get to his son.

"Sex. He wasn't even blushing! I used to say sex just to watch him blush

"Moony, blush at sex? The guys a bloody wolf."

"Litteraly…When did he stop blushing?" Sirius was very upset about this.

"Long ago."

"When's long ago?" Sirius held a warm pastry to James' lips. "Try this."

"I dunno, near the end of senior year? That's delicious Pads!"

"I've missed this somehow." Sirius sat at the table his best friend and god son shared.

"You were too busy doing everything you wouldn't. Why are we talking about Remus' sex life again?" James question, running to cash out customers.

"You see, we had a strange converation, in which I made an…offer to him." He followed.

"Oh no."

"What? Is this thing being wonky again?" He gave the computer a light hit."

"No, It you! Was this offer sexual?" Paying no attention to the customers.

"Sometimes I regret partnering with you."

"Avoiding"

"Yes it was about sex."

"Sirius, This is Remus, our best mate. You'll fu-mess everything up."

"Are you sure? I've always had a thing for Moony, you know."

"Yes, better to leave unacted upon."

"Really?" He pouted.

"Get back to the kitchen."

* * *

><p>"Sorry I'm late. I had to drop Harry off at the shop." Lily told Remus as she through herself onto the café chair opposite him.<p>

"S'fine. Should've told me, we could've gone there for lunch."

"No! We both need time away from our husbands." She joked. "Kidding." After a semi long silence.

"Sirius showed an interest in me today."

"He always does."

"A real one Lils. He told me he wanted to be my C.F.F." Lily choked on the coffee Remus had already ordered for her.

"Wow." She wiped her face with a napkin. "What did you say? Why did he ask?"

"Well, I had just told him about Ean, and things got weird. He asked if I was looking for someone new, and he said he loved to be them." He shrugged.

"What are you think?"

"What can I get you?" The waiter swooped in, interrupting Remus' response.

"Chicken salad on Rhy." She said.

"Burger as rare as you can."

"My, what large teeth you have." Lily laughed.

"Should I sink them into Sirius, or no?"

"Okay! Be right back with that." The waiter half ran to the next table.

"I think the decision is yours, wolf boy."

"Why do I even ask you?" He rolled his eyes.

"Listen, you're smart enough make the decision. I'm just worried about one thing."

"What is that?"

"Your heart." Remus looked down with sadness in his gold eyes, as he momentarily relived the day his heart had been shattered, then resided to laughing semi hysterically.

"I have no heart."

* * *

><p>"Oi! Anyone running this dump?" Remus hit the bell over and over till James came out of the kitchen holding Harry.<p>

"Yeah, you arse! But we're leaving. Go on back, Sirius is the making weird concoctions.

"Aright, but you're not leaving without a WOLF ATTACK!" Remus howled, grabbing Harry from James, and play biting him allover, whist he laughed hysterically. "See you." He started walking off, Harry still in his arms laughing.

"Excuse me! My son, please?" Remus frowned, giving Harry to James with one last kiss.

"Padfoot!" Remus yelled walking into the kitchen.

"Yes Moony?" Sirius said in a hast, throwing baking soda all over the stove.

"Did you just have a fire?" He laughed at Sirius's wide eyes and the broken smoke detector laying beside him.

"Do not tell James"

"Sure."

"What brings you here?" Sirius wriggled his eyes brows seductively.

"Lemon squares."

"Bastard." He gave Remus his lemon squares.

"Thank you."

"Always welcome."

"To the shop."

"And my flat."

"And my bed."

"What?" Sirius laughed, grey eyes widening.

"I accept." A long pause.

"Well, alright then." Another pause. "So how's it work?"

"Call me when you want me, I'll be there, I call you, you come."

"Sex."

"You said you've had a bloke before."

"A bloke, not a Remus."

"It'd no different, Pads." He looked down.

"It is! You're Remus Lupin!"

"No!" Remus interrupted him. "When we fuck, I'm just the guy you fuck. You can't fall for me. Promise?"

"Well I was assaying it was different because I hear you're quite the shag, but yeah sure, I won't." Remus flushed, making Sirius immensely happy.

"So deal?"

"Sal with a kiss

"I don't kiss." Remus stepped back, biting into a lemon square.

"What?" He was appalled. "Moony! I need kisses."

"You can kiss, Just not me.

"I might kiss you during, warning you now."

"No lips to lips." Reus swallowed.

"Tongue to tongue?" Remus laughed.

"If you can manage that, Pads." Sirius stuck out his tongue, making the other laugh. After a few seconds Remus complied and touched his tongue to Sirius'.

It was gross and unromantic, but it was the best 'kiss' either had ever had.


	2. Awkward, But it Just Might Work

Awkward, But It Just Might Work

"You'll kill me." Sirius said leaning against James' large SUV.

"Why is this? Oh lord, don't tell me; you forgot to pick up the football tickets!" He rasped while strapping his son in his car seat.

"No. Worse. I feel as though you were right, telling me to leave it be."

"You didn't!" James gasped. "With Remus! Are you taking a piss? You better be, so help me."

"Calm down! We haven't done anything yet. We just agreed to."

"Well you better put an end to it now Pads. We're not all breaking up because you and Moony can't keep it in your pants."

"Oh…you're really mad. I haven't seen you like this in at least a decade."

"No."

"No?"

"No Sirius. Here's your money back." James took out his wallet and threw money at Sirius.

"James! Bloody hell, It's not that much of a problem, we haven't even done anything yet. He's been avoiding me" James' angry grin widened.

"That's the point, Sirius! Finally the awkward tension between the two of you has broken us up. Harry and I are going to the game Enjoy your day alone." James sped off. Sirius knew he should be thinking about his friends intense unhappiness with him, but…what awkward tension? From the sounds of it, it had been a reoccurring tension.

"What?" James answered his mobile phone, waiting for an apology.

"What did you mean but awkward tension?" Dial tone.

IHF[OASIDAFGO[IDFHGOIDHFGOIDSH

"Remus John Lupin!" Lily stomped into the foyer of the giant mansion Remus was showing.

"Hello." He said calmly. "Hold on a moment, please." He handed the couple scotch and wine, and gently tugged Lily into the office.

"Listen Lupin, I can't do this anymore."

"What are you on about? Are you aware you just took me from an extremely high paying client?"

"Yes, and you have many of them. Too many, Remus! I can't do it! All they do is yell at me! And still you refuse to work Wednesdays and weekends."

"You would like to work more?"

"No, I want you to hire another realtor" There was a short pause.

"No. No Lily, I'm the best in London, no one can compare. I work alone."

"You're so bloody selfish." Lily gawked, spinning fast to walk out and leave her friend.

"Lily." Remus grabbed her arm and turned her to him. "Listen," He tucked a strand of her silky red hair behind her ear, "if it keeps on like this we can start looking. Okay?"

"Whatever, Lupin."

Sirius looked at the clock hanging in the kitchen of his flat. It had been an hour now. An hour of staring at his phone. What was he supposed to say? 'Oh hey Remus, I know you've been ignoring me but wanna come over and have a shag?' No, he couldn't say that. "Start casual." He picked up his phone.

Remus had just gotten back to his flat from a long day of showing perfect rich people mansions to buy as their fourth or fifth home. Being one of the only super successful realtors in London was quite hard, especially the way Remus Lupin did it. He bought what they call 'shit castles', covered the cracks with furniture or a nice painting, and sold them fully furnished for ridiculous prices. Remus knew he had taken a bad path in life, he was never even interested in real estate, but if he learned one thing from his mother it was that you had to do what you had to do for money.

"Hello Martin." He greeted his gold fish, walking to his kitchen to put on some tea. He knew he should probably call Sirius. Not for sex, but to call everything off. Usually he came by the shop every night, now he couldn't even fathom being in a Sirius' presence.

"What the fuck have I gotten myself into?" He asked himself staring out the window. It was a beautiful day. The large sun, the tall trees, the set of terrified green eyes staring at him in the fat framed face-What the?

"AHHHHH!" Remus screamed.

"Let me in!" Peter slammed the window.

"Bloody fucking hell Peter! What are you doing?"

"Just let me in!"

"Come in!" The fat man ran from the window, and was by Remus' side in no time. "Speak."

"I was just caught by the man."

"What man?"

"The man! Hilary's husband!"

"You're having an affair?"

"Well, yeah."

"I didn't know you had it in you." Remus got himself a mug of tea.

"Well, you see, I really love her."

"Is Hilary the blonde with the tits?"

"Eloquent, and yes."

"Well Pete, I think your sex life is more exciting then mine." That moment Remus' phone rang, caller ID showing _Sirius Black_. "Or maybe not." He smiled, despite the fear rising within him. "Hello."

"Are you free."

"…Yes."

"Come over then, I've made pizza."

"Be right over." He hung up. "I have to go, Sirius and I have a thing."

"Can I come?"

"No, now get out. I have to go."

"Oh, but can I stay a few? He'll find me."

"Fine. Don't steal anything."

.LUHZSRGLISHG;ISDGRF;

"You." Sirius greeted.

"You…look good." Remus countered. He did look good, he wore jeans , a tight black button down his semi long hair messy, hanging in his eyes, and the famous Black smirk.

"You too, Moony." Remus hadn't gotten a chance to change from his showing clothes, which were grey tight dress pants and a green fitted jumper. "Come in, I've got pizza!"

The night was going swell, it was as if nothing had happened. They were as they always had, goofy, fun and attentive. They both knew, however, once the food and funny stories had run out they'd be left with no other distractions. It was that time.

"You've been avoiding me." Sirius said, draining his sixth glass of wine.

"No."

"Yeah."

"Maybe a little, but it's…awkward."

"We don't have to do it Rem." Sirius gave him serious look.

"No, It's supposed to be fun right?" Suddenly the small proximity of which the two were sitting on Sirius' sofa was strangely apparent.

"Yeah."

"I mean, isn't that why you called me here?" Remus leaned his head on the couch, looking up at his friend.

"No…but I am a bit randy." He laughed but his eyes were completely serious.

"Oh yeah?" Remus placed his hand flat on the others stomach.

"Yeah." He breathed, burying his head in Remus' neck.

After a slight awkwardness of fiddling with Sirius' belt, Remus had his cock out.

"Please Moony." Response-quick jerk.

"Fuck!" As the hand began a perfect steady rhythm, Sirius followed with sucking Remus' neck.

"This is sexy Padfoot."

"Say it."

"What?" Remus grabbed hold of the black hair to see his face.

"Say my name."

"Sirius."

"Fuck!" He climaxed, dirtying his shirt, along with Remus' hand.

"Well, that wasn't too awkward." The Black haired boy said after catching his breath. "Actually quite nice." He turned in with an undeniable excitement to kiss those pink lips.

"No." He ducked

"Oh, sorry…forgot."

"S'okay. Wait for the blow jobs, you'll love them."

"Looking forward to it." There was a long silence. "Tongue touch at least?"

[OHS[OGIH[OUT

"I swear to fucking god you cheated on me with the devil! This kid is a pain in the-" James stopped speaking at the familiar drab face that was sitting at his table, having tea with his wife.

"Oh James~ You're home, give me my boy." Lily ran and took Harry from his arms. "This is-"

"Snape." The man said.

"Snape, Severous Snape. He's applying for a position at Remus' office." Lily smiled.

"Hello, Potter." He spoke in his lazy voice.

"Oh. You've met?"

"You could say that."


	3. The Craziness Before the Madness

So I am Sooooo Sorry for all those who have been reading this for not updating in so long! But I promise to be better, please keep reading, and please leave me comments and suggestions :)

**The Craziness Before the Madness**

**Sirius**

"Orion, dear." The deep, proper, feminine voice of Walburga Black wafted across the dinner table, where her husband sat.

"Yes, dear." Orion took a moment to tare his eyes from the spot on the wall behind her to look at his wife with a smile.

"Young Sirius is expecting a letter from Hogwarts any day now."

"Ahh," he let out a nostalgic sigh "my do i miss those days. you know Sirius, me, my father, his father, his father, and even his father all went to Hogwarts. You will be an excellent addition to the Slytherin branch, Sirius."

"Thank you, sir. I'll try not to disappoint you." Sirius spoke softly, muffled by insecurities.

"You shan't as long as you're no where near Scotland." Sirius had no idea what that had meant until the next day, when his Hogwarts letter arrived.

* * *

><p>"Open it, Sirius my boy!" Walburga squeezed her sons shoulder.<p>

"I-I got in mother!"

"Oh yes! My baby boy joining the Slytherin branch of Hogwarts."

"No, mother it says Gryffindor." She yanked her hands from his shoulders, as if they had burned her.

"It couldn't, Sirius." Her voice sounded calm, but the way she tore the letter from his small hands showed him otherwise.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, Sirius, this is the Scotland branch, you belong to the London branch."

"Well, what is wrong with Scotland?"

"It is for the foolish, Slytherin is for the clever." She hissed, her eyes full of regretful tears. "Sirius, you must speak none of this to your father till I get it fixed.

"Yes, mother."

* * *

><p>Orion Black was a phenomenal business man, a real stand-out among the Blacks. He was known for doing 'soulless' things and when challenged by those damned liberals-the opposite of the Blacks- the Potters (the only lawyers that could take him) 2 out of 8 times, he had been able to justify it. The famous, ruthless Orion Black, son Sirius Orion Black, not a Slytherin-the Blacks may just disown him. This thought fueled the situation that Sirius had found him self in now.<p>

There his mother sat on the family room sofa yarn in lap, needles in hand, and phone glued to ear. He was sprawled on the floor playing with snake figures his father had brought him from America.

"Well, I am afraid that is impossible! There must be a mistake." Silence. "Blacks have always gone to Slytherine-all of them-for ages!" Her hand fell to her lap. "So It's Gryffindor or nothing?" Sirius watched as the phone slipped from her long fingers, they looked almost lifeless.

"Mother?" His voice was a soft cry.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Are you mad at me?" Walburga felt a serpent tighten around her heart at the boys deep grey eyes, shinning with tears. In truth she did not care what bloody branch of bloody Hogwarts her son went to, but her husband did. With a deep breath, folding her arms to keep from grabbing him-her son-to her breast and assuring him that everything would be fine, she spoke.

"We are very disappointed in you, Sirius, you let our family down. Luckily we have your little brother to make us proud. She stood taking the unfinished green and black scarf with her, mumbling something about Regulus being more appreciative about it. As much as Walburga loved Sirius, generation and generations had taught her to stick by her husband and that is what she would do.

* * *

><p>The next day with a squeeze on the hand from his mother and a hug and kiss from his sobbing little brother, Sirius left his fathers car and stood in front of the train station watching it fly away like a raven<p>

**Remus**

"Remus, you're okay?" The boys mother yelled to him from the 'living room' (the hallway outside of the 2 bedrooms and kitchen) of their small house.

"Yes mama...why?" He lifted himself from his small cot he was laying and doing his homework on, to see what his mother was doing.

"Oh dear, I have to go to work tonight." Sad eyes, or to Remus-sad phony eyes.

"Work, I thought you were off work tonight."

"I was called in."

"I don't enjoy it when you go to work."

"Yes, but wait till Santa comes." She smiled, buttoning her short black cardigan over her bright blue bra.

"I don't give a shit 'bout him." he spoke over dramatizing the disapproving tone in his voice.

"Well I do Remus! And you are my son, so fuck you!" She pulled her fishnet thigh high on her left leg, grabbed his face kissing him on the cheek and left in a matter of seconds.

"Someday." Remus sighed, throwing himself on the old sofa, when he heard scratching coming from the back door. "Pads!" He ran out and hugged the wolf he had befriended in the strangest manner ever-by it almost killing him. "How are you doing boy? Come in, what? Don't give me that look, shes off with some dirty old fuck for the night, you can come in!" The wolf stepped inside apprehensively. "Come lets do my homework, yeah?"

Remus and Padfoot assumed their regular positions, laying on the floor next to the sofa. Remus told him about Lily Evan's and how she got into the Ravenclaw, the France branch of Hogwarts, and how she was appalled that he had not even gotten his letter yet. "She wouldn't do that Pads, right? What kind of a mother would hide her sons letter from Hogwarts?" The canine whined. "True, she could be protecting me, I mean what are the chances of a poor bloke like me getting in."

A moment latter Remus was under his mothers bed searching through everything, then he proceeded to scour her dresser, finding some particularly disturbing sexual paraphernalia-till he finally shook out her pillow case, and sure enough a regal envelope with the Hogwarts name printed on it fell out. Remus Lupin had gotten into the Gryffindor branch of Hogwarts.

* * *

><p>Trains making loud noises, people crowding everywhere, odd music muffled by excited cheers and venomous curse words. Sirius had never been so intimidated in his life, he closed his eyes and covered his ears with his small hands, trying to block everything out.<p>

"My dear?" A velvety voice broke through, and he allowed one of his grey eyes to show. A gorgeous angel was knelt in front of him, she had a round pale face lightly colored with make up, and black hair that curled to her large breasts. She was obviously a mother, Sirius could tell by her curvy figure, which every mom seemed to have acquired but his.

"Yes." he dropped his hands and revealed his eyes.

"Are you here for the Gryffindor train?"

"Yes."

"Well so are we!" She smiled pushing a boy his age at him.

"Hiya! I'm James Henry Potter." The semi crazy looking messy-haired-hazel eyed child stuck a hand out to him.

"Hi...Sirius." They shook.

"Sirius, why don't you and James go bored the train together."

"Okay." James hugged her and a man, whom Sirius assumed be his father, and they began walking off to the line of children in front of the train. "So you are a Potter then."

"And Proud." He nodded.

"I'm Sirius Orion Black." He gave the other a questioning look.

"Well then we must be friends." They broke out in laughter.

"Sirius! Wait!" They turned to see Mrs. Potter scurrying towards them. "You shoe, dear. It is untied." She said slightly short of breath.

"I'll grab us a seat." James stepped into the train. Sirius was going to tell her not to bother because the bloody thing would just come untied a moment latter (damned shoes) but he opted for the chance to see down her shirt.

"There we are. Now stay with Jamie." She gave him a kiss on the forehead and made her way back to her husband.

As Sirius was just about to step on the train he noticed a golden haired boy standing all alone, looking as he must have before Mrs. Potter had saved him. Wanting so badly to use his Black instincts and ignore all emotions, there was something about the boy that made it impossible.

"Oi, you lost."

"No, uh...n-not at all. I know e-exactly where I am, I'm just..."

"Your parents throw you out of the car and leave you to fend for yourself too."

"No, actually I ran away. Mum d-doesn't even know I'm here." Sirius laughed.

"Sirius Black." He placed and open hand on the boys back, which burned Remus' skin yet it felt really good for some reason.

"Remus."

"Like the wolf boy." Sirius laughed again.

"Well at least I'm not a glittering star." Remus said forgetting to be nervous.

"Well, well there." Sirius laughed watching the gold eyes lighten with humor.

"Hey Sorriest Blackhead!" James called from a window. "Got our seats."

"Want to join?"

"S-sure." They were about to step into the train when a chubby light haired boy ran up in front of them. "Wait-wait! Don't take another step!" The two frightened boys questioned him with a look. "You," he pointed to Sirius "have an untied shoe lace, and you" he pointed to Remus "were about to step on it!"

"Okay." Sirius pushed Remus forward onto the train. "So who are you then?"

"Peter-Peter Pettigrew."

* * *

><p>"Oh fuck, Sirius. Once or twice? I so don't believe you!" Remus groaned arching against the counter top of his friends bakery.<p>

"I told you, I've only been with a guy thrice and only done this on two of them."

"Did you really just stop to tell me that? You're losing points."

"Oh sorry." Sirius took him back into his mouth.

"Yes, that's a good pup." He ran his finger through the mans black hair.

"Oi, Serverly untrimmed Rack!" James greeted walking into the bakery.

"That doesn't even sound like Sirius Black." Sirius slaped Remus' leg as to tell him to shut up.

"Where are you?" James asked.

"Fuck Sirius, I'm close."

"Padfoot?"

"Yes, Fuck."

"Am I talking to myself?"

"AHHHH!"

"Really? Am I that good?"

"Yes! Look at you, you're a regular ponce." He ruffled the others hair. "Took it like a champ."

"Did you blow something up again!" James burst through the kitchen door. "Oh bloody!" He threw a hand over his eyes. "Gross!"

"Hiya fellas." Peter cheered comeing through the back door. "Oi, Sirius watch out Moony's got his cock out! Remus, put that thing away, almost hit poor Pads in the face with it."

Not much has changed.


End file.
